101 jots – (li – lx)


People say I wasted my money.
I say 90 per cent went on women, fast cars and booze;
the rest I wasted.

George Best


Patients don’t die in hospital at the weekend,
there’s not enough staff on duty.


You have the wrong name,
you’re the wrong colour and you dress funny.
Your profile’s not to our liking.


I cannot choose one hundred best books
because I have written only five.

Oscar Wilde


There’s only one superpower
and it’s not India, China, America or Russia;

it’s a tiny state
that does as it likes and answers to no one.


The insurance man told me the accident policy
covered falling off the roof but not hitting the ground.

Tommy Cooper


Two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a thunderstorm

Thomas Beecham describing the sound of the harpsichord


Shit, mother, i can’t dance.
Vulgarism expressing personal incompetence.
Were it, ‘Dance, mother, i can’t shit’ we’d be in the realms of magic and ritual.
Picture your mother in flamingo-feather headdress and natural fabric loincloth prancing around the room in an attempt to expedite your motion.


Perfection has one major drawback – it’s boring.


We don’t mind admitting it, George was right.
We watch you and listen to you all the time,
and when judges and others tell us stop, we don’t.
National security and all that.

101 jots – (xli – l)


Guns aren’t lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful
You might as well live

Dorothy Parker


In Conversation
with the former Minister of Finance
and former Head of Logistics…

30 minutes of yawn.


The day is approaching when few or no wild animals
can survive in the wild and the only hope for ‘the lucky ones’
is residence in parks and zoos.


Bottle in front of me:
the preferred alternative to frontal lobotomy.


Very few conquer a disability as well as Nobuyuki Tsujii.


Enlist my boy enlist
see the world and serve your country with distinction
we’ll cut your hair and feed you three squares a day
and teach you how to kill

if things don’t go well
we’ll send you home in a box draped in the flag
and in a sweet note to your mother
say how brave you were.


We have no absolute control over anything except our thoughts.


Why does the universe go to all the bother of existing?

Stephen Hawking


Who the hell are you people
and what are you doing in my house?

We don’t answer questions, we ask them
and you answer us.


Now that it has a dot com after it
Yahoo has earned an irritating respectability.

101 jots – (xxxi – xl)


In pidgin-English I’m known as
‘Fella belong Mrs Queen’

Prince Philip


You listen to my calls and read my mail
and i know who you see and what you say.

There is no honour among thieves such as us, and no trust.
We’re not friends, only partners when it’s mutually convenient.
Friendships are like taxes – for little people.


If i do little or nothing to put my house in order
and then spend my life begging others for help
i am ridiculous.


Fashion is what you adopt
when you don’t know who you are.

Quentin Crisp


Burning people alive is nothing new.
Of course it’s barbaric and completely unacceptable but not new.
The savages of the Inquisition told hundreds of their victims
that burning them alive would save them the torments of Hell.
What comfort that must have been!


Trust me my child
my penis contains holy milk
a gift from on high
and my duty as humble servant of the Lord
is to share it with you.

Priest in Brazil currently under investigation
for sexual misconduct


The Irish are a fair people –
they never speak well of one another.

Dr Johnson


The most interesting thing about Schoenberg’s music is
you never know what’s coming next, if anything at all.


One of our worst faults is giving ourselves rights we don’t have.


Don’t be too hard on ASBOs,
those are the only letters they have after their names.

101 jots – (xxi – xxx)


dogs have masters
cats have staff


Rhino horn does absolutely nothing for yours.


Some terror threats are real and some are fake.
Half are fake; we make them up to keep you obedient.


Money without understanding is no advantage.


According to Dr Johnson an abbey lubber is
a slothful loiterer in a religious house
under pretence of retirement and austerity.

Well, well…


We destabilise.
We oust leaders – we call them dictators – by force
and then support with money and weapons
at least two of the rival factions that spring up to fill the vacuum.
Failed states are to our advantage.


Too much counterpoint,
and what is worse – Protestant counterpoint.

Thomas Beecham on Bach


A day in the company of someone wise
and a day without vulgar thought
is a day worth a thousand.


Nothing surprises me today
and to my eternal shame very little disgusts me.


There’s no true blood left,
amphetamines and antibiotics have seen to that.

101 jots – (xi – xx)


During the Korean and Vietnam wars
UFOs regularly attacked the military hardware of the invaders
and destroyed planes and boats.

It’s taken a long time to admit it.


You’ll never be wonderful until you’re dead.


For most people the Church has become little more than
a useful landmark by which to offer directions.
Archbishop of York


I wish to live long
and now that i’m old
i’m not afraid of old age.

To fear and to wish would be poor thinking.


When i was young
i thought Beethoven’s music was for the young only.
50 years on, his music still lives in me
and i am young.


One of life’s great pleasures is watching
the All Blacks beat the Springboks at Ellis Park.
And watching the haka.


Killing animals for sport is the pastime of savages.


Virginia and I did a tour of hospitals during the war.
We were a little surprised to hear ourselves announced as
‘two well-known artistes who have flown out from home
to entertain men in bed.’
Joyce Grenfell


How old did you say he is?
And he knows the answer to two plus three?
Yes, he does.
And all the words of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star?
Wow! That’s amazing! I take it he’s in the express stream.
Of course.
You must be very proud.


Most people get into bands for three simple reasons:
to get laid, to get fame and to get rich.
Bob Geldof

101 jots – (i) – (x)


Take away illusions and you take away happiness.


Democracy is a system where pious words are more important
than honest actions.


May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
Irish blessing


You can’t expect a boy to be depraved
until he has been to a good school.


If you have a taste for abstractions you’re Continental;
the English are interested in flowers and dogs.


To a man with an empty stomach food is God.


The truthmongers are closing in but we’ll continue to deny.
We’ve never had contact with aliens and there are no UFOs,
only weather balloons.

We can’t afford to admit because all the myths
we’ve spun for centuries would go down the drain
and the truth is not in your best interest.


If i’m annoyed because i’m in pain
why not be annoyed with annoyance that limits freedom?


hari hujan, tidur sedap
rainy day, sweet sleep


I’m an enclave person.
The country to the west rejects me, the country to the east ignores me.

When i’m sick the hospital won’t treat me
and i can’t get a school to take my kids.
When my house is broken into the police do nothing.
I have no status, no rights, no papers.

‘My Way’

I find it difficult to forgive Frank Sinatra for ever recording that memorable song not because he did it badly but because he did it so well that thousands of idiots since then have fancied it as their own. All of us have suffered deeply – i did last night – while listening to excruciating renditions by the local drunk or the local songbird at the amateur talent contest who insists on telling us how he did it his way.